An Open Letter to Jesus-Bill, the Savior of the World

Can't we expedite this? Just tell us how much it will cost us to stop holding us hostage and we'll have your temple running up in no time

Yeah, you got us, you win. Now how much to let us go?

Look Billy, I respect that you’re holding us hostage until we cough up the dough for your magic concoction, but can’t we just skip to the part where we hand over the billions to you, and you tell us how many temples to Jesus Gates the Savior we have to build?

Let’s cut out the theater and get down to business. Just tell us how much it will cost in money and adoration to let us go, and you’ll have your check and balls massages tomorrow.

We get to return to our lives sooner, and you get to save on manufacturing costs for your chemical swill. It’s a win-win.

PS.: Mad props for pulling this one off. Incredible! To hold every single human being in this world hostage and perform blackmail on a P-L-A-N-E-T-A-R-Y scale is truly a historic first.

And then to be actually praised by those same humans for ripping them off is the stuff of myth and legend. This is some James Bond villain level stuff, except you’re actually pulling it off. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

And to think just twenty years ago, you were one of the most hated people in the world,  thought of as a privileged, monopolizing, money-hungry freak whom the media would not have allowed within a 10-mile radius of a discussion on the common good. Incredible what a little dedication, a Protestant work ethic, and a couple of billion can do.

Now you’re something of a Pharaoh, with 8 billion captive Israelites.

Amazing feat. The original ruined himself by holding on for too long. Will you?

We stand ready to satisfy your hunger for money and that messiah complex the size of Mars tomorrow. Allow us to do so.

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