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The United States Became ‘Starship Troopers’ in Less Than a Month

The only good bug is a dead bug! Do your part!

We initially thought that economic suicide brought about by medical martial law (the Bill Gates-approved antidote to COVID-19) would anger many Americans once they realized that they’re still going to die from heart disease, diabetes or opioid binges. Now we are not so sure.

Tens of millions of Americans are rushing to enlist in the War Against the COVID Bug. And why shouldn’t they? They’re bored and are going to die anyway.

What do you have to do to fight in this benevolent war? That’s the best part: Nothing. All you are required to do is sit at home and tweet face mask selfies and call the cops when you see your neighbors taking out the trash. Of course, it is also your duty to trample any dissenting voices. In fact, COVID Gauleiter Anthony Fauci announced on Friday that “the Bug can actually be spread even when people just speak,” so probably all voices are highly discouraged. Keeping silent saves lives.

The unspeakable self-inflicted devastation that we will all have to endure as a result of this unequaled bravery will serve as a testament to the glorious and very necessary nature of the war. After all, many, many people will have to sacrifice their lives in order to defeat the Bug. (The Bug will never be fully defeated, of course, but there will be many forthcoming victories, which will be commemorated by national holidays such as Non-Essential Shopping Day.) We’re all in this together and we must all do our part. 

We did it, you guys. The United States became Starship Troopers – you know, the satire about self-righteous, indignant fascists – in less than a month:

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